Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence (DOS), a national youth movement bringing
attention to the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence,  which
is caused by anti-LGBT bullying, name-calling and harassment. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward building  awareness and making a commitment to address  injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today.

www.dayofsilence.org

So, some things to say.

I has gerbils now. :D

2 floofy grey things which I affectionately call Puck and Hemingway.

I've had...a rough weekend. More on that later, because I need sleep. For those of you it may concern, I have lost my cell phone. It's most likely in Lee Hall, but until I find it I can't make or receive any calls (obviously) so I'm really sorry about that. As soon as I get it back I will rejoin the world. Until then, I hope everyone is doing well! Later I will update with all sorts of terrible and wonderful news~

Emporio Armani is my new guilty pleasure <3

I'd just like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas with happy celebrations and warm rooms and love.

*to be utterly, irrevocably, ridiculously sappy*

MUCH LOVE~

Hokay. So, here's the deal.

I spent the last week editing my query letter with my mentor, and writing and editing my synopsis to go with it. We've done as much as we can with them; I honestly think they're the best they can be. So I sent them out tonight with the first five pages of my novel...cross your fingers flist! Hopefully this woman will ask me for a partial, at the very least. I've never managed to get an agent to ask me for one, so that's my goal! In anycase, I'll keep you updated journal, while I wait in complete anxiety for her reply.

@_@

Name: Amanda
Date: 11/16/2008
Colorgenics Number: 71235460

---

 

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realize that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.


...I am oddly weirded out by this. The egocentric comment was a blow. Kind of stung but...It's true. That was what did it for me. Although, the self-help lines at the end there sort of made me want to shut my head in a door. :/

www.goldinuniverse.com/
 

I'm losing myself.

So there's this girl I Love. Her name is Andi. She makes me happy and I miss her every day.


That is all.

:D

Page 234 book meme

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 234.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next four to seven sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest [unless it's too troublesome to reach and is really heavy. Then go back to step 1].

Time to go through the dead guy's dresser drawers.

...

By the time they finally reached the deserted nether regions of the Joshua Tree State Park, Martin was sick and tired of driving. He desperately needed a cold drink and a hot jumbo. He had pulled off the paved road and jounced down some packed dirt trail for what seemed like a day. His car looked distinctly geishalike with all the finely powdered dirt covering it.

Moist - Mark Haskell Smith

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN
NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND OR DESERT YOU
NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY
NEVER GONNA SAAAAAAY GOODBYE
NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE AND HURT YOU

Andrea wins the day.

Because this theme song makes me want to kill myself less right now.

Fuck. Everything.

So, decided to do a really quick random entry, to sort of summarize things before I get into gear with moving out on my own in Oswego. At least, if the guy with the apartments calls me back, lol. But whatever, not really worried because I know I always have a place to crash up there with someone. Having an apartment would totally help though if people from Ohio really do want to visit this winter...

I digress.

Seattle, was...I'm speechless about it really. I miss Andi and Laura and EVERYONE. Every day. ;-;

Baltimore was seriously one of the best cons I have been to yet. Things were weird at times, mostly between me and Mitch but...eh. It happens. Spending time with Catie and Nate, and Sarah and just everyone was perfect. Especially hanging out at night after con life died down. Just sitting in cute little restaurants talking for however long we felt like. The freaking seven story Barnes and Noble? Holy crap, how did I miss that the past three years? O_o

So put in my two weeks at work and did an effing happy dance right there at the front end of the store. SCREW YOU STUPID GROCERY STORE. GUH. I actually got a call later that day from one of the store managers that made me have to hold my breath between responses so I wouldn't start laughing...it went something like this:

Elsie: Hi Amanda, I just got your letter that you will be leaving us!
Me: Oh, yes. I'm NOT sorry about that.
Elsie: There's no way I can convince you to stay on?

Lady, you couldn't give me the world to keep working at your store.

Me: ...no.

So hooray for no longer juggling three jobs and a babysitting gig! No more 8-11 shifts where the only time I have to myself is the twenty minute nap I take in my car on my lunch/dinner breaks! No more crashing at five am and having to wake up two hours later!

I'm very excited about all this.

The tricky part is getting a job up at Oswego that isn't on campus. I mean, I could totally do that. But I'm pretty used to being paid $15/hr. to cater on the weekends, and although that's not the greatest source of my income, it is a substantial part of it, so dropping down to barely minimum wage for only 15/hours a week IF THAT...kinda weird to think about. Between all my jobs...bare minimum....I work 50 + hours a week. Shifting gears all of a sudden is going to be just plain bizarre I think.

But hey. Really, I just need cash, if you know what I mean. After all the traveling I did this summer, my bank account does not make me happy at all....If I keep at this rate cosplay this year is not looking good at all. BUT I AM DETERMINED. Ohayocon Digimon Season 2. Srsly.

Ho hum.

So, pictures later, from various trips. More then =]

Love~

I'm twenty now.

That feels weird. But not because I wasn't expecting it. I feel like it's mostly got to do with the fact that everyone keeps calling me to tell me how old I am.

In seven days I'm going to Seattle :)

Can't wait <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDI ILU

During my adventures today in The Land of Swill (I say "adventures" because, like a small child, I still need motivation to clean my room), I uncovered two necklaces I thought I'd lost, one of which was a Christmas gift from a friend from college; a headband I thought I'd never see again, a check for $22.99 from two years ago, $4.80 in loose change ($.80 being Canadian, and $2.00 in pennies), enough pictures to finally cover my picture board, 22 pony-tails (YES STEVE, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE CALLED), 17 bottles, 1 can (Diet Pepsi), and one glass cup which, incidentally, was under my bed; a lunch box from Junior High, my dad's missing jump-drive (also under my bed), a variegated - yes, I did mean to use that word - accumulation of papers including the outline for an mpreg fanfic and no, you don't get to know anymore than that =D. A card I meant to give my sister last year (blank), two old journals only one of them being mine, a Dave Barry article from April 2004, the first book I ever read with a sex scene in it (The Gingerbread Man, by Maggie Shayne) and Disc. 1 of Alex's FFVIII PS2 game, borrowed the summer of 2006. All of this I found while wearing my Snow White Renaissance gown. Don't Ask.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was only the floor.

AUGH.

I told myself not to look. I SPECIFICALLY told myself not to look.

But because I'm a masochist, full of paranoid delusions, of course I had to look. I finally sent out my first query to Rachel Vater, an agent who I spent all night researching. I mean, reading her AQ profile, Folio's website (the agency she works for)...her LJ. Yes. This woman is epic enough to have a LiVEJOURNAL.  Agonized over writing my letter to her, pawned it off on Andi for some critiques, and then sent it to her in an email at like...3am. After I sent it, I told myself not to re-read it for the umpteenth time because it would make me crazy. BUT I DID.

I want to kill myself. The excerpt of my novel she asked for is all screwed up. The spacing is like, double every-other line, so it breaks in weird places and...AUGH. SO UNPROFESSIONAL. Fuck gmail for screwing up my double space. I want to cry. How is she going to be able to focus on my writing when the spacing is so retarded even I have trouble reading it, and I wrote the damn thing?

I really liked this woman.

D=

Dreamy Idealist (DI)

(Just visiting? Take the free test and determine your personality type!)

The dreamy idealist is very cautious and therefore often appears shy and reserved to others. He shares his rich emotional life and his passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge him to be cool and reserved. He has a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which he is willing to sacrifice a great deal. Johanna von Orleans or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. He is always at great pains to improve the world. He can be very considerate towards others and does a lot to support them and stand up for them. He is interested in his fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once his enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, he can become a tireless fighter.

For the dreamy idealist, practical things are not really so important. He only busies himself with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. He tends to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that he often has a very successful academic career. He is less interested in details; he prefers to look at something as a whole. This means that he still has a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that he overlooks something important. As he is very peace-loving, he tends not to openly show his dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of his strong points; he hates conflicts and competition. He prefers to motivate others with his amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has him as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, the dreamy idealist is a helpful and loyal friend and partner, a person of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to him. The feelings of other are important to him and he loves making other people happy. He is satisfied with just a small circle of friends; his need for social contact is not very marked as he also needs a lot of time to himself. Superfluous small talk is not his thing. If one wishes to be friends with him or have a relationship with him, one would have to share his world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to his high demands on himself and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. The dreamy idealist does not fall in love head over heels but when he does fall in love he wants his to be a great, eternal love.

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Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

These subjects could interest youl

iterature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary work

Just got back from seeing Panic! At the Disco tonight. Went to IHop beforehand to take Shannon and her friend out for delicious breakfast treats which they had never experienced apparently. I think it is an atrocity when people have never been to IHop, so I remedied this. =D Fucking awesome show, even if I was afraid for the lives of my sister and her friend Taylor for a good portion of it. Which, btw, is not an exaggeration. I lost my t-shirt in the crowd somewhere....hope whoever picked it up enjoys it. Ryan was absolutely gorgeous tonight, and Shannon got Brendon's water bottle, which she is so proud of because unlike the one Taylor got from Ryan, Brendon actually drank out of his. She won't let anyone near it, and it is currently sitting on it's own shelf on my bookcase, lol. I <3 my baby sister.

All in all, it was a good night.

And now I need sleep, because tomorrow I'm going to Oswego for Karate promotion even though I'm pretty sure who ever stepped on my foot in the pit broke like three of my toes so if I'm going to keep up and not pass out, then I need to not stay up all night....x_x;;;

P.S. to Andi who saved my sanity tonight: I'm sorry I was crazy/incoherent/keeping you from work tonight, I couldn't call you back at the end of the show because my phone finally died, which didn't help my nerves any...but everything turned out okay like you said! I knew it would, but I just needed to hear it I guess. So thanks my dear, ilu <3

You know that when you feel the need to start every one of these damn entries with, "So it's been a while..."

Maybe journaling just isn't for you.

But that's a whole other question to tackle. I'll pocket that one for a rainy day for now. So let's see, went to the Jack's Mannequin concert at RIT with Shannon and Taylor and I cannot even begin to explain to you how amazing it was. Andrew dove into the crowd on the last song of his encore, and he was RIGHT THERE. I'm still worked up about it. Afterwards, we got some appetizers at Denny's before going home, where I called Mitch to tell him I was having an affair with a pianist. He took it well considering, LOL. Taylor got tickets for the Panic! At The Disco show there on March 6th, and this time, we're planning for an IHop experience after this one. Apparently, Shannon and Taylor have never been to an IHop before. This I did not know before I took them to Denny's, so the second time around that's what we're aiming for. Later in the spring I'm getting tickets for a MyChem show for us: my Christmas gift to Shannon. ALSO I found out Rusted Root is back on tour! O_O

So many...wonderful shows...T_T

Anyway. Looks like I'll be able to make it to Oswego for Steve's birthday after all, Saturday and Sunday at least...though I still need to make some arrangements about that. My first novel, Jet Black, is almost completely revised and has topped out at nearly four hundred pages. I'll be sending it to my Round Table soon, and I've made some decent headway on new character development in Blood Red, the novels sequel. I also started writing some preliminary scenes for The Karate Club...my children's book series. AND I'm toying with ideas for reanimating my very first novel idea, co-written with Alex when we were like twelve. We'll see what he thinks.

Last night I went to see Jumper, with Troy. It was entertaining, if nothing else. Hayden Christiansen just...can't...act. >_O. I didn't like that Millie chick either. THOUGH, it cracks me up because the two actors that played the younger versions of those characters are like, my two favorites for their age group. So that was worth something I think. After dropping Troy off, I drove like a crazy person around Farmington, Victor--Gillis, Quail Ridge, and the town, at like...midnight. There's no one around then, it's quiet and multicolored and...strange to me. It made me angry.

xD

That sounds so emo.

But I swear, I was driving around and just retracing all the moments that I had ever lived on those streets and it made me really, fucking, mad. So I came home and I crashed, again, like I have all week working double shifts and trying to pay off my damn laptop so my mom will stop railing on me for spending money. What I need is a dressform. LOL.

But seriously. I refuse to go any farther with the masquerade ball gown I'm making Laura until I have one, and FRANKLY I'm running out of time. I think the ball is March...23rd...? I know it's March and that I'm running out of time. It's making me antsy. And once that's all said and done with I can take all the beautiful fabric I bought earlier in the year for my Anise cosplay and finally finish THAT project gone awry. Hopefully the Tales group won't die like it did in Ohio this year. xDDDD;

SPEAKING OF WHICH NATALIE I HAVE TO SHOW YOU THE COSTUME DESIGN I PICKED FOR SEIMEI. ._.

It's so...pretty... *___*


And last but not least, I hope to someday go six months barefoot.

It'll never happen but....it's nice to think about.

Also, I'm learning how to belly dance. That is all.

You made yourself a bed
    At the bottom of the blackest hole
You've convinced yourself that
    It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

I wasn't aware that I could be utterly exhausted just from...living.

Well okay, that's a lie. But I got that second job I mentioned earlier, and now my life has become: Shift 1 (Job 1) 8a-12, go home get changed, Shift 2 (Job 2) 5p-10p, go home, get some writing done, fall asleep sometime between 1-2...wake up, Job 1 8a-12, go home, get changed, class 1 @ 2-3:20p, walk down the road, class 2 4-6:30p, go home, babysit, go home, pass out. Repeat as directed.

So I guess the point is that I don't think I ever really knew what it meant to truly be exhausted until now. So I think I'm going to take a nap because there is a break in the monotony today: I was originally working 11-3p (Job 1), and then 5-10p (Job 2), but I forgot I have a concert to escort my little sister and her best friend to tonight...JACKSMANNEQUINZOMGWTFYES.

So I got to get off my second shift. XD;

And now I need a nap before I make it to my first shift today, otherwise I'm going to regret getting off of babysitting at 10:30p and falling asleep on the couch even though the couch is much more comfortable than my room.

I need sleeeeeeeeep D: